FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
