I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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