I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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