That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I want her autograph on my taint
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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