A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
