i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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