This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
