Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
