Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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