and you said cock pushups were impossible
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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