Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
