She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
