Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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