I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
