i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
