i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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