Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
