Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
