You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
