i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
