I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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