she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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