Someone shit on the floor
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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