it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
