i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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