I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize