this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
