if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize