I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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