she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
