yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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