I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
