tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
