i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
