I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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