Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
