yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
