when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
