Just fell off a train. Bad.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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