i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
