At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize