I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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