i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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