You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
