Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
