Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize