hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
