I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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