you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
