Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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