i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
