Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
