Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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