turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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