my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
