She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
