Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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