Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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