SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
