I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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