Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
