Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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