What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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