I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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