the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize