I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
