i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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